Do You Ever Feel Your Client’s Pain a Bit Too Much?
It has now been several weeks since I have started working as a social worker intern at a women’s health clinic. One thing that I am finding particularly difficult is finding a balance between listening empathetically to the women who are sharing their troubles and/or worries and absorbing those feelings as my own.
Evidently, it is not unusual for beginning social workers or therapists to be struggling with this but the end result of what happens when you experience this is that you may end up feeling a little anxious inside.
Hence the need and importance for “self care,” that is, taking good care of yourself in terms of eating well, getting adequate rest and sufficient exercise. It may also be helpful to meditate and/or have a friend to confide in some of the issues that are coming up. Speaking to a therapist may also be helpful because a client’s issues may trigger some of your own issues or concerns.
Most of us need to take better care of ourselves regardless of what profession we are in.
What things are you doing to nurture yourself?
Photo credit: Mckay Savage
One of my supervisors in grad school told me that a person needs a counselor/therapist to be a “rock.” Not crying, not carrying the pain home, but a rock. As someone who cries at sad movies, sad songs, sad books, weddings, funerals, etc., I found that metaphor helpful when I started feeling overwhelmed by clients’ emotions. My job was to be a rock.
I also agree that taking care of yourself is vital — thanks for your great post, Dorlee, and good luck with the final exams/papers!
Peace,
Deb
(Twitter/DrDebBrown)
I like that analogy, being a “rock.” I will try to keep that in mind, going forward.
Thanks so much for your helpful advice, Deb.
I’m still finding it a bit hard to not ruminate about client’s troubles after hours but I suppose it takes time…
Just coming across this post now, Dorlee.
I agree with the Rock suggestion for some clients. And then I have others who need to see some emotion from me (e.g. eyes filled up)…the difference is what the clinical issues are for the clients. For clients who have had a great deal of emotional deprivation, a mild level of feeling WITH them can be therapeutic (note, these are often my trauma survivor clients who have lived through horrific things). For clients who have spent their lives worrying about how others were feeling (and who wouldn’t take the emotional space to allow themselves their own feelings)–those clients need me to be the Rock.
I would add that even when I am feeling WITH someone I need to be a Rock–just in a different way than for another client. I am communicating to them the sense that I am okay and I have feelings–it’s possible to be a Rock (solid, grounded) and have feelings too…the key is that you are grounded. Learning breathing methods for grounding is very helpful for this. And very important to this approach is communicating a solid sense that I’m okay and guiding the session–at no time should my client be feeling like they need to care for me.
As to how to manage it for self-care, I’ve found a few things to be helpful. One of the most powerful practices for me is Tonglen (http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php). I have sometimes done this practice while I am with a client (silently, breathing in their pain and the feelings I feel with them)..the client doesn’t know that I’m doing it. I have also done Tonglen after a session to help me let go of my feelings about the work (or obsessions, as you mention).
Often times the material that hits me most strongly is material that is resonating with some part of my own history. Taking some time to sit with that and ask myself “what comes up for me from my life that feels similar in some way?” then sitting quietly to listen to myself can help to identify what issues are getting hooked for me. Once I’ve done that, taking a few minutes to write about them is helpful for me. And then of course, if the issue is still there it probably needs to be worked on in my own therapy.
Hi Nancy, I’m relieved to hear that for some clients, the expression and sharing of emotion can actually be therapeutic.
The particular client that came to mind for me when I was writing this post was a young Asian woman about to start college (or who had a year of college under her belt) who found out that she was pregnant and was terribly ambivalent about how to proceed.
While she was not my first nor my last client who faced this decision or was terribly torn about it, for some reason, her ambivalence and tears tore at me in a unique way and I had a few tears run down my face as she was crying and sharing her feelings.
She ultimately made her decision and I fully supported her throughout the process and looking back at it, I do not think that the few tears I shed hurt her in any way but rather she felt that I really understood her agony at facing such a decision.
That said, I was concerned with my atypical reaction. What I have since learned is that different professionals seem to have different viewpoints on this matter.
There are those who feel that one must have “professional distance,” and there are others that seem to feel that being human is part of the process and that clients appreciate seeing the care and concern in the therapist’s face.
Then there is the danger or risk of caring too much so that you suffer traumatic injury and are of no use to your patients or yourself…thank you for sharing your method of dealing with your feelings about work. I will check out that site about Tonglen.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback!
Hi Dorlee,
Uh-oh – overcare alert.
People who are in the helping professions (therapists, health care professionals, teachers, emergency service workers) can easily fall into this aspect of stress. It’s the tendency to care so much, or as you say, empathize, to the point that it becomes a drain – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. In my teaching life, I was heavily invested in overcare. In my case, the script ran along the lines that if I didn’t give it all, and care (and worry), then I wasn’t doing my job.
Recognizing that this is occurring, then realistically approaching the situation with compassion and learning and knowing where the lines are between myself and my clients/students. Doing the stress techniques provides me with clear “enough” answers. Instead of being drained, I am sustained, which allows me to do what I love to do.
As you wade into your new career, and try on new tools, I’m sure that you’ll be able to strike that balance that allows you to do what you love to do.
Hi Marianna,
Thank you for sharing your over-care alert 🙂
It’s been quite a while since I read [or wrote] this post for that matter. However, I remember feeling this way and know that this is a concern for many people have entering and working in the field.
As a result, I’ve since taken up mindfulness practice and have found this to be a helpful tool. Thanks so much for sharing your guidance and advice on this important topic.
I plan to also add some of HeartMath’s techniques to my toolkit one of these days 🙂