Shame Resiliency 101 a la Brené Brown

Have you had a chance to listen to Brené Brown’s powerful talk about shame? If not, I highly recommend you listen to her TED talk below. And if you have, you may just want to listen to it again… It’s that good !

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Brené Brown. Ph.D., LMSW, she is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work who is well-known for her research and findings on the topics of vulnerability, shame and empathy.

Brown shared the following key learnings:

* Vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage
* Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation and change
* Shame is the feeling that I am bad vs. guilt that is the feeling that I have made a mistake
* Shame is an epidemic in our culture; vulnerability and empathy are the antidotes to shame

Below is a recording of Brown’s wonderful “Listening to Shame” TED talk:

Talking about shame, a few months ago, I was the recipient of some rather unfriendly comments on one of my posts about art therapy.

In this particular post, I had been sharing (as I frequently do) some of the key learnings that I gained from a graduate class that I attended. However, in this case, a few art therapists took aim at me and chose to berate me for providing some information about their area of practice and [falsely] accused me of misrepresenting myself.

I felt so hurt and upset by these comments. First, even though I had shared my source, I re-read my post very carefully to see if I had accidentally misrepresented something. I hadn’t. Second, to allay any concerns, I inserted more specific details about my sources. In addition, I added a number of qualifying caveats to that post.

However, even after I made all of these bending over backwards fixes, I still felt awful because I had felt attacked and ganged up on… My intent was/is a positive one and I was being hung to dry. Even if I had made a mistake – did I deserve such negative feedback?

Looking back, I realize that I had felt terribly shamed and inadequate as a result of those comments. In fact, a part of me felt so much pain that I thought of just packing up my blog and giving up.

What helped me to get out of that shameful place? It was just like Brown recommends, not holding in the shame as a secret but having the courage to be vulnerable and share it with someone who can be there for you.

I shared my feelings with a few special friends and by sharing it, I was no longer alone. The feelings of shame lost its power. I was validated and supported by Sam, Nancy, Marianna and Terry. These lovely ladies were not only there for me but vocally stood up for me! I was and am most grateful. It made all the difference.

In short, when a shaming event occurs to you, try to recognize it and exercise the courage and vulnerability to share it with someone supportive in order to be able to put it behind you.

What are your thoughts about shame, vulnerability, courage and connection? I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Reference:
B. Brown. (2010), The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden. Minnesota.